First of all, let me start by saying that shortly after He and I established our owner/pet relationship, He forbid my being sexual with anyone else but Him. I'd essentially been forced to rely on Him as the sole source of anything sexual, unless I wanted out of our relationship, which I definitely didn't. It was never easy, though, and it still isn't. He and I have had a VERY difficult time communicating (strangely, only on this one issue) and it's caused some big misunderstandings, some very hurt feelings and some very bad days. I became so attached to Him over the duration of our relationship, though, that for a very long time, I didn't even want to be with anyone else.
Over the last six months or so, I've become increasingly comfortable during sex, and as a result, I want more of it. I want more of Him. I love making love with Him more than I ever have with anyone, ever, so it seems normal that I'd want to do it regularly. To put it simply, He doesn't seem to feel the same way at all.
For basically my entire life, with rare exception, I've had considerably-less-than-frequent sex. It's varied from every few days to every few months, for the most part. I feel like I'm at a place in my life now where I should be able to do the things I want to do, and I want more sex than I've previously had. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to want, and actually I find it quite strange that He seems to want it less the more I want it. Back when it was a constant source of frustration for me, we'd do it every few days. Over the last few months, It's dwindled to twice a month, at best. I'm having a very difficult time dealing with that.
He has some valid reasons for the reduced frequency. For one thing, the more I enjoy sex, the more difficult it is for me to be anything close to silent. I'd say I'm not loud, for sure, but I'm not silent. I'm perhaps just on the other side of quiet. Problem is, He's convinced that the other people in the house could hear us (well, me) and that's stressful for Him. So, it's actually worked out that the more comfortable I get and the more I enjoy sex, the less frequently it happens.
Of course, it gets more complicated. We both agree that monogamy isn't natural or instinctive to either of us, and that our relationship isn't going to be a monogamous one - at least not in the traditional sense of the word. He did forbid me from having sex with other people, but only because He knows how negatively sex had previously impacted me, and He doesn't want me acting out in self-destructive ways. I understand that, and it makes sense. But recently He started sleeping with someone else. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind. If He thinks there's something He's missing, then I absolutely want Him to have it. If He's not having sex with me with the frequency He'd like, then I absolutely want Him to get what He needs from wherever He can. The problem is, since He's been screwing this other girl, He seems to want sex with me even less than before, and THAT hurts. I feel like the more I work at this, the more I do my best to communicate with Him and let Him know what I like and want and need, and the more comfortable I get, the less He wants to be with me.
He says that He wants to have sex with me, but He prefers that it be when no one's home so we won't be heard. While I do understand that, He's only rarely initiated anything while we're home alone, so I'm not sure that's all of it. Now that the kids are back in school, I've started a new job that has me out of the house during the only time that we would have previously had to be alone (which, as I said, never seemed to be all that important to Him since He usually uses that time to sleep).
It looks for all the world like the deck is stacked completely against me. I work during the only hours that He ever wants to have sex with me - that is, IF he wants to. Now He's taken to fucking another girl - not in addition to me, INSTEAD of me. She gets the evenings that I would have otherwise had, if only I was quieter. He tells me that He sill won't allow me to be with someone else. I tell Him that it's unfair of Him to keep me in a box and only take me out to play on rare occasions. But, there doesn't seem to be any easy solution. Every direction I look, this feels like rejection. It seems like He'd rather have sex with the other girl than me. He'd rather spend His time with her because she's less complicated. She isn't stressful. She doesn't need the care that I need. The funny thing is, I still don't really want to be with someone else. I feel like I NEED to, but I don't want to. I can't make myself care about finding someone new. I want Him. I want to be with Him. And I don't feel like He wants me anymore.
1 comments:
He loves you.
He loves you more than anyone you've ever had in your life.
He would die for you.
He would probably kill for you.
He's not in love with you.
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