You made me love you. Not just by being you, but by engaging me. You didn't have to do that. We would have been simple, easy friends for the rest of eternity. You didn't have to call me yours. You didn't have to call yourself mine. You could have kept things casual and I would have been fine with that. I would have been fine. I'm not, now.
You asked me for everything I had, and I gave it to you - every minute, every day, in the only way I knew how. I gave it to you as I found it, as I discovered myself, as unfamiliar parts of me were uncovered. I gave you parts of me I never knew existed. I gave you these parts with the understanding that you wouldn't hurt me, that you would care for me, that you would tend to the wounds created in bringing these broken pieces to light. I placed myself squarely in your hands, and you abandoned me.
When I tell you that there's nothing left for me, I mean it. I can never trust anyone not to do exactly what you did. I can't ever know that someone else won't see me as I really am and promptly turn tail and run. So there won't be any after you. That great love I always wanted? It's not gonna happen. It can't, because I can't let it. The only person I trust with my being is you, because you're my best friend. And even if you suddenly pulled a 180 and dropped to your knees and professed your undying love for me, I would never be able to trust you with my heart.
So, I exist every day in Hell. And some part of me will probably always hate you for that.
And yet, after all that, all I want when all is said and done is for you to love me.
1 comments:
There is no knot tighter, or wall higher, or prison more inescapable than the ones built in our own mind...
We learn from our mistakes. How can we learn anything if we never allow ourselves the opportunity to fail?
Post a Comment